That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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