I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
