I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
