Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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