Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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