Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
