I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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