Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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