Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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