VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
