Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
