White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
