He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
