Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
