i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The Olympian is in my bed
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
