I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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