Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
