I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
