I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
