..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
