also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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