Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Im just a social blackout drinker.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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