What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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