Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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