i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
