Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
