his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
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