I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
