Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
