I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
