guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just puked most of my soul out..
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