Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
