My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
