Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I look excited, but its just a facade.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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