You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize