Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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