he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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