when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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