I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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