Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize