god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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