Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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