Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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