How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
