i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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