Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I wish I could teleport
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
