remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
