I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
