Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
