She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize