They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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