My hair reeks of homosexuality.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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