she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
