i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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