Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
