It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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