one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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