she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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