I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just had sex on a roof
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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