If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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