Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
