I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
