Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
