He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
