I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
