i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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