I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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