If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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