I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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