Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
