I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
