you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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