two words: eviction party
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
