8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
