If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
