please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
