What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
